An impending sense of doom: Pure ‘O’ OCD during COVID-19
A sense of imminent disaster, a preoccupation with threat, uncontrollable anxiety; key symptoms of OCD that are now feelings seeping into the wider public as we deal with shifts in our whole lives that are completely out of our control. The world is full worry. This can be particularly hard to navigate when the worry existed long before the pandemic and will continue after.
I have a type of OCD referred to as ‘Pure OCD’. It is categorised by intrusive thoughts often surrounding feelings of guilt and fear that become obsessions. Unlike other forms of OCD, I don’t have visible compulsions that you may be familiar with such as hand washing or counting. I instead have mental compulsions, for me these usually take the form of rumination and reassurance seeking. My brain particularly likes to cling on to anything that contains a sense of uncertainty and with all the uncertainty and distress in the world right now, things are tough. Ruminations that were once based on irrational fears are now seemingly more rational and the levels of fear that once seemed unreasonable are something extending to others who may never have even had a mental health issue, they are simply responding to what is happening in the world right now.
A lot of the writing on OCD and coronavirus links to the (understandable) fear of contamination during the pandemic, but the feeling of an impending sense of doom seems to be a characteristic of OCD less spoken about. Initially I was incredibly confused by my diagnosis, how could I have OCD without compulsions? I had many preconceived ideas of what OCD looked and sounded like as many of us do, so I was surprised that thoughts of dread and feeling like I’m always on edge for some sort of upcoming disaster was a huge part of my illness. It’s like you are in constant fight or flight mood, regardless of the situation. I think about the future and immediately get knots in my stomach. My brain replays the same fears and thoughts over and over. I try to talk to others about it but just find I repeat myself; my brain gets stuck and all I can do is snowball further. It is unbelievably frustrating to feel like you have a million thoughts in your head, a million tabs open at once, that you just want to express but you can’t because they are so overwhelming, and your brain just wants to hold onto them as tight as it possibly can. With medication and psychiatric help I am trying to learn how to control these obsessions, but it feels like all of that work goes out of the window when suddenly not only you but the whole world are thrust into a period of great uncertainty and fear.
As the sense of dread and unease spreads, I try to remind myself what is rational and what is irrational, which has had to be adapted given the current circumstances and the lack of day to day normalcy. Feelings of guilt and personal responsibility are a huge part of OCD. When the virus spread into my Grandad’s care home, I immediately blamed myself and thought I was responsible for anything bad that may happen as a result. I hadn’t seen him, I hadn’t visited; there was no way this could be a rational thought. I must keep reminding myself of this and challenging the thoughts, telling myself they are not evidence based. With all that is going on it is hard to practise techniques from therapies such as CBT but at the very least I can ask myself is there evidence that supports this thought, what is making this real?
The general sense of fear and dread is, although distressing, a thought that is a lot more rational given today’s context and one I am trying to not beat myself up over, understanding that many of us are feeling this way. As it is based more in reality, I have to look at other ways of dealing with this. I’ve found setting short term goals each day to be quite helpful in distracting my brain from the wider picture of the future which is far too overwhelming to think about right now. I also set myself boundaries on the media I consume which can make me feel somewhat guilty as it is a privilege to be able to do this and not be on the frontlines with nowhere to hide, but it is a form of self-preservation I must practise.
And sometimes it's just too much. Some days all I can muster is turning on my laptop to watch Netflix mindlessly. Some days the dread is so overwhelming, and goals and productivity are out of reach and I am learning that’s ok. I think collectively we all must accept that in such difficult times there’s nothing wrong with having days where we feel like we cannot function to the best of our ability. How do we act normal when everything around us feels so far from the reality we once knew? How do we prepare ourselves for a future that at times we can’t even imagine? This is testing to everyone, not just those of us with mental health disorders.
Check in on both your loved ones and yourself, do not beat yourself up if you’re feeling emotions far more strongly than you are used to because these are not at all normal times and accept that you are doing the best you can given the circumstances. When my mind begins to wander and the obsessions start, I try to remember to take not even each day, but each hour as it comes as I can do far more to control that than the weeks or months that are coming. That is far easier said than done but it is truly a lesson I am constantly learning in trying to be present. In these conditions it may be too hard to fix our feelings; we must try and simply stay afloat.
