Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness believed to affect 1.6% of the population. Around 70% of individuals with the illness will attempt suicide at some point in their life and between 8 to 10% will complete suicide and yet it is still a largely misunderstood illness with many not knowing about it. While the mental health conversation has opened up in recent years with individuals being encouraged to open up about their own struggles, personality disorders are often left in the dark due to misunderstanding and a huge stigma.

BPD is an emotional rollercoaster. Characterised by intense moods, some have described it as being like an ‘emotional burns victim’. Lacking the ‘emotional’ skin other’s have when processing emotions, thoughts and feelings are incredibly difficult to regulate. I find whether it’s the smallest of inconveniences or a much bigger life event or trauma, my brain will react in the same way; with emotional outbursts and impulsive actions to try and ease the distress. Often these outbursts are related to a fear of real or imagined abandonment or rejection. Feelings of chronic emptiness, an unstable sense of self and a constant fear of never being good enough leads to unhealthy attachments and an expectation of being abandoned by the ones we care about and this can consequently lead to attempts to avoid the abandonment at all costs, frantically holding onto relationships. The behaviour we consequently display can in turn pushed loved ones away; the extremes of mood, threats of suicide and self harm, impulsivity and poor self image can be hard to understand. It is also important to note borderline commonly exists amongst other illnesses such as eating disorders, depression, anxiety and substance misuse issues. This can often lead to misdiagnosis which is why there needs to be a greater understanding of the illness.

I first experienced the symptoms of borderline personality disorder during my adolescence. Hyper sensitive to everything, I struggled to control my emotions and would often self harm or threaten suicide because I just could not cope with what was going on inside me. I found myself often self isolating due to a fear of everyone being out to get me, stuck in constant spirals of self hate and depression. I still continue to go through intense periods of depression where I am struck by awful feelings of emptiness and hopelessness. It can be hard to see myself as more than the illness, and I struggle with finding a sense of identity. I don’t feel like a complete person and I often move between interests and hobbies trying to find myself. It’s a constant battle to not give into my illness. One thing I have learned through therapy is part of my battle is learning to ‘walk the middle road’. We have our emotional brains and rational brains, and I need to learn to walk between these rather than always letting my emotional brain win.

Borderline personality disorder can seem like a terrifying label as it suggests that your personality in itself is wrong but it is treatable with therapy, support and self compassion. There needs to be more of a conversation about it to reduce the stigma that comes with BPD. Too often are people with the illness labeled as manipulative and attention seeking which stops people from seeking help and can affect the treatment we are given. It is important to remember if you are struggling with borderline personality disorder that you’re not a broken person. Individuals with BPD are often creative, highly empathetic and sensitive towards others and deeply loyal and compassionate. I will list some resources I have found helpful if you find yourself going through the same struggles:

• If you’re in Norwich or Suffolk, First Response is a free helpline for those experiencing mental health difficulties or others that may need advice on dealing with those experiencing the difficulties 0808 196 3494
• Mental Health Talk, a group on Facebook for peer support relating to mental health https://www.facebook.com/groups/635012746636499
• The BPD subreddit. Great for peer support from others experiencing BPD https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/
• 7 Cups offers both peer support and professional counselling online https://www.7cups.com